I've decided to take your favorite president's, or one of them's, advice and reduce my exposure to city slickers corona, politicians and people who work for a livng. So pull up a chair and have a fine cup of some'n special while I tell you my tale of woe social distancing with my buddy, Buddy Bear.
Here, have a cup of the good stuff, freshly brewed up, like a story in the NYT, or China Daily.
Come on over here Buddy, I've got to introduce you to the fine people here.
Whoops, wrong bear. No, no that's not him out for a ride with you favorite president, that photo is just four shadowing (variously spelled). Which Mr. G, the fine English teacher who suggested I go to Al's College and Muffler Shop, first told me about.
Here we go.
That's him, Buddy Bear. Buddy, say hello to the people of this fine 3 letter committee of correspondence. What's that? No No Buddy, not a 3 letter agency, a 3 letter committee. Why they are completely different things. "Grrrr grrr grrrr." Buddie says 'hello'. "Grrr Grr ggrrrrr" What's that Buddy, you have an uncle who works for a three letter agency? Where? "Grrrr groscow Grrrr." Moscow, wow Really? You'll have to tell me about that over a nice cup of something a bit stronger that what these fine working people are drinking.
It's a good thing we prepped in a different way here, with special help from a friend. No, not that guy in the caption photo, this guy.
Boy does he know how to do things right. As of this writing an update from the Kentucky Department of Health says there are now at least 99 cases of COVID-19 in the state. Coincidentally that's the same as the number of beers on the wall of Buddy's Man Bear Cave. But thanks to Mitch we do know that Kentucky has 4,500,000 residents and 9,000,000 barrels of Bourbon.
"Grrr Grrrmillion?" That's right Buddy, well not quite 9 million since you and I have been prepepp'n the American way all this time. As you can see, Buddy and I are set.
But don't you folks fear. Thanks to the governor the distellery's are still open, 'cept for tourists, so they'll make more. Well after they get done making hand sanitizer for people in San Fran and NYC. Really, wash your hands people.
Now you might be concerned about a shortage of other supplies. But don't you worry folks, Buddy and I have thought about you fine people, well I'm sure some of you are fine people, not too sure about you others; Anyways Buddy and I have put together a crack team to help you out in your time of need. In fact Buddy has donated some of his special reserve, says he never uses the stuff and ain't sure why he got it to begin with. Musta been a panic on or something.
We'll be putting that team into action today, so keep a sharp eye out, as help is on the way. Glad we could do our part, just remember, they are man's best friend and just like millenials will work for food and a pat on the head. Now Buddy and I heard through the newest Ap, CoronaChat, about special shortages way up North and we are really worried about you guys and gals up there in NYC. Why where are you going to get all that CBD and medicinal supplies? You know what CBD stands for don't you, Buddy? "Grrrr Grrr?" Created By the Donald! Ha ha, that's a good one Buddy. We better not tell the New Yorker's that or the market will crash.
Now ole Buddy and I. Here let me pour you some of the good stuff, this is gonna be thirsty work and it's got to be 5 O'clock Somewhere. You folks should join us in a 'simultanous sip', though our stuff is a bit stronger than that comic strip guy's. Sip, Ah, that's refreshing.
"cough, cough". Buddy, this is the sipp'n stuff, not the inhalen' stuff.
Ha, missed me. Yall probably wonder'n why social distancing is 6 feet. "Grrrr grrrr?" No it taint 'casue fail'n to do so might put you 6 feet under. Though that might be true. It's 'cuase a you Buddy. "Grrrr me?" Yes, you. Yuse got a reach a 5' 9" and since I'm a 6 feet away you can't hit me accidentally on purpuse. And don't try none of that Mrs. Facebook lean in stuff, this is official social distancing for safety from Covid19; and bears. Now as to that inhaln' stuff, you know for medical purposes:
Well Buddy and I, just last night we decided to help our fellow Americans up there in the only real city in America. You know the one. They are in need of the good stuff. Well we knew it was a grown' just the other side of the mountain, so up we went. It was a beautiful night, God's yeller moon shinin' on the cool clear evenin' God's little lanterns twinklin' on and off in the heavens. It was a sight to see. Why Buddy and I got up there to the top and right where we thought it would be, yep, these was a field full of what a whole lot of New Yorkers are longing for.
Just 'bout that time we heard some rustl'n down below and saw some new lights a twinklin' on and off, kinda low on the horizon. And ole Buddy, why he heard some buzz'n sound around his ears. "Grrr, Grrr" That's right buddy, they sure didn't sound like no honey bees I ever heard either. It was at that moment that Buddy and I, well, we got the skeer'ds. See we both discovered we had something in common with my cousin, twice removed on the my mother's side, the one that used to work in that 3 letter agency, "Grrr GrrIA"? No, 'ta other one, the one that's got the 'F' in it.
Here Buddy, have another sip. Ah, that the good stuff.
No my cousin Buford T., that's his name, he was up here a few years back looking for a still. "Grrrr, Grrrr, Grrstill". You had an uncle run off with a still round these parts 'few years back? My, imagine that. Now my cousin, Buford T, he found out he was 'lergic to lead poisoning. Moved on down South to Louisiana and got hisself elected sheriff. Now Buddy and I, last night, we discovered that lead poisoning is a mighty dangerous thing, and, well we got a good skeer on and we a skeedaddled on back here. Only just now got over the shakes. It's a skeer like when you watch too much Morn'n Joe and top it off with an extra helping of NYT and CNN. That kinda skeer. Gives ya the shakes. Ain't got no t.v. out this way though so we should be good for a week or two.
Here Buddy let me file you up. Sip, ah, that's some mighty fine sipp'n bourbon. Now don't y'all folks across the pond worry. We been think'n 'bout you too and we have good news! We are told by the maker's that these here barrels, well they only use 'm one time for bourbon. Then they ship them over yonder to Scotland. So you all have got something to look forward to. Why in 9 or 10 years you'll have some mighty fine American influenced Laphroaig to sip on. So make sure to raise a glass to my buddy, Buddy Bear.
Now back to you folks in NYC, y'all liv'n under the fine leadership of Mayor Democratic Socialist de Blasio, well I sure hope you stocked up on your medicinal supplies as he's a flail'n around worse than Buddy and I with a skeer on. Ain't that right Buddy. "Grrryep" Guess you'll be understand'n that sometimes experts, experts in procurement, sometimes can't get that just in time inventory planning to work right. Especially when there's a skeer on. That's why ya got to do some planning and stockpiling. Like Buddy and I.
"Grrr Grrrr, grrrrrr." Buddy says that if it was something really important, like masks or ventilators, why you could surely rely on a veteran who has for the last 36 years been director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. He'd have everything in place, especially after having years to restock the inventory after the H1N1 thingy we didn't shut the whole economy down for.
Thanks Buddy. You are one well informed Bear and that's just the kinda reassurance New Yorkers need right now. "Grrrr grchan". Oh, you heard 'bout that on CoronaChan? It's like 4chan but accurate? If you says so. Here, have another drink. Y'all join in with some of that coffee you'll stocked up on. I know you'all work'n <wink, wink> from home, so cheers!
Now Buddy, since we have solved NYC's problems better'n Mayor what his name and sent off our rescue party we can relax and start talking 'bout important things. "Grrr, Grrrr?" Yes, we should talk about women, and where, other than here with our favorite social distancing buddy, would we rather be. Great minds like alike Buddy. Here, let me quench your thirst a bit 'afore we start talk'n about our favorite subject.
Sip. Ah. That kinda sounds like zippidty do dah, don't it? Now ya know where it came from, up on the mountaintop. A few more of these and you'll be singing along, and see'n fabulous things, too.
It's gonna be one of those days here. Now Buddy, tell me, where would you be other than right here with your best social distancing buddy? "Grrr, ggrrrrr, grrr".
Why up there by the river, just past the North Fork? With Momma Bear? "GRR!" Well that's a fine place, not too far from where I brewed up that pot a java there in that picture. And you're right, if Momma Bear ain't happy, ain't noboddy happy. Good on you Buddy. "Grr?"
Me? Naw, ain't got no place picked out here. I was in fact looking forward to dinner in one of my favorite cities, Paris, but they done banned all the travel and closed the restauruants down. "Grrr, grrr?" Well Buddy Bear, I'm sorry, I love ya, but no not that place.
I know, those were better'n anything in NYC, and cheaper too; but remember what happened last time you took your old girlfriend there and they had to drive her home? That didn't work out too well.
"Grrr, grrr rrr." She still won't answer your emails? I don't blame her. I don't think she's answering any emails now. Sorry Buddy. I don't think that 's the place for dinner with the lady I have in mind. "GrrrChez grrrr 13?" Hey, that steak place in the 13th arrondissement? That's a great place. That might do. But I have another great place in mind, great food, great views. You would appreciate it too.
"Grrr, Grrr mmmmm!" You've been there with Mamma Bear? Before the kids came along? Yeah, kids are expensive. Who would I take? Well, I was about to invite, wait, let me check my internet security. You never can tell when those 3 letter agencies are 'listening in. There, should be set. Now Buddy Bear, this is dinner in Paris we're talking about and I have a plan, a great plan. Got inspired by your favorite president, or one of them.
Don't look at me all cross-eyed like that, here, have another drink it will all become clearer. Now I was all set to invite, well, Vladimir, is it okay to call him Vladimir? Well, Vladimir calls her "Miss Russia"; I call her Jenny though, that's her code name. I was all set to invite her to dinner in Paris. "Grrr, grrrr, grrrr!". Thud.
Laugh it up furball. I'm not the one with an uncle working for the FS….. "Grrr, grrrr, grrr"
Yeah, I'm talking about 00Bear. "Grrrrrrrr?" Hey, I'm writ'n for this here 3 letter committee of correspondense, I've got my sources. "Grrrr rrr grrr" Why would "Miss Jenny" go to dinner in Paris – with me?
Buddy, Buddy Bear, here, have another sip. Let me tell you, you know a lot about the birds and the bees, especially the bees. "Grrrr!". But you don't know nothin' about women. There are only two kinds Buddy. The kind who know they deserve to have a man take them to dinner in Paris, and those who know they don't. Take it from me, I used to be a Democrat and I believe all women. They either know they deserve to have a man take them to dinner in Paris, or they know they don't. I don't argue, I just make dinner reservations.
"Grrrrr, grrr, grrrr rrrr rrrr!" Sexist? Buddy Bear, let me tell ya, here in America there are only two kinds of people upset with what I just said. Divorce lawyers, and their mothers. Lawyers 'casue they can see what's a happening in the market and tell its wayyyy too expense for anyone to get divorced right now and their mothers? Why they were looking forward to some fine French chocolate and they really wish their sons had taken up an honest trade like ambulance chasing. See they know that thanks to the latest imports from China that business is gonna be booming! "Grrrr". I know it's true.
Now tell me a bit more about 00bear, how did he get into that job haul'n Vladimir around the countryside and just what is the connection to our Bourbon Buddy, Mitch? "Grrrr, rrrrr, Grbrrrr.. CIrrrr Brrrenrrr.. Ptuey!" What? He was about to get pulled out by the efforts of "Moscow Mitch" when those people in that other 3 letter agency started investigating that other president instead? Wow, I was wondering how Mitch got that name. No, no I don't think he looks too good in that hat either.
Now you fine folks reading here, before we go any further with this story I think we should all remember what my good friend Rick said.
And as my buddy, Buddy Bear says, good thing we aren't in a gin joint. Buddy Bear, you're a good man, for a bear. So folks, have another sip. Now about 00bear…. "Grrrr, grrr" Do I think I can get him out of his bind? Buddy, I think I'm gonna have a tough enough time gett'n out of this story line. Wait now, bear with me, – hey none o' that; No I'm not tryin' out as a writer for SNL as a side gig, though that joke better than any they had on last week; Let me count my bears: Buddy Bear, Momma Bear, Uncle Bear with still, 00Bear. Four bears, see, fourshadowing is easy. English teachers, what do they know. Hmm, better not ask with all the English majors corresponding here. I'll never hear the end of it.
Now Buddy, you know our 3 letter agencies are full of career professionals who would love nothing more than to penetrate to the heart of darkness that is the Office of the President. Why look at what Comrade Brennan manged in his efforts. No, I haven't seen him or Chairman Schiff anywhere lately, I wonder where all that evidence of his went? Anybody know if he's in quarantine? He's even scarcer than RBG. I wonder why?
Now back to dinner in Paris. Miss Russia Jenny, the offer is still open. It's a fine restauruant and they'll be reopening someday soon. Macron can't keep the no-go zones closed so I'm guess'n as soon as Trump holds another one of those overflowing campaign rallies we'll be good to go. So, I won't say 'raincheck', those are so quaint. And Moonshine? Well that has a special connotation here, so sunshine check!
It's a fabulous restaurant, great food and we can talk about important things, like 00Bear and is it true what they say about Vladimir? You're not dating him anymore? I can see why. It's not like he ever invited you to dinner in Paris. So feel free to drop me a line, as much as I like April in Paris, maybe we can look plan for when all the Yankees go back home, say September, that way we can miss any "October Surprise", like Corona lite.
And for you folks at CNNMSNBCCP, feel free to fact check this story. Just call 867-5309 and ask for "Jenny".
And Buddy, Buddy Bear, this sip is for you…….
"Social Distancing, the American Way" by Fred